Welcome to the state of Altopia

Welcome to the state of Altopia

National Dish - Pizza or Vegetarian Lasagne on Tuesdays

National Anthem - don’t stop me now, by Queen.

National Holidays -

1st of January - Near Year’s Day

2nd of January - New Year’s Day, the do over

25th of January - Burns night

1st of June - New Half Year celebration

11th of June - Alliemas the celebration of your dear leader, Allie

12th of June - summer boxing day

31st of October - Halloween

1st of November - "just because alright????" day

5th of November - fun explosives day

30th of November - St Andrews Day

 25th of December - Chrimbos

26th of December - Rocky Day

The Working week will be from Sunday to Thursday.

NHS - shall be re-named, The Allie Health Service. The National insurance already claimed on every one's pay packets will count as an insurance premium towards every one's own personal health insurance. The Allie Health Service will be modelled on the company known as Bupa. Dentistry will be included in the Allie Health Service.

The Fire department will continue as normal.

The Police will be renamed, Allie's Goons. Their uniforms will include a snappy cape.

Education System - the curriculum will be standardised, some historical events and technological achievements will be credited to the leader.

Religious studies will only include an historical study into what separate faiths believe. No time during school will be spent explaining religious concepts as if they a literal. Creationism will not be tolerated. Faith schools will not exist.

Regarding Religion and its place in Altopia -

No religions will be treated as charities, all citizens will have the freedom to practice any religion of their choice but will also enjoy the freedom of not having other people’s opinions forced on them. This also includes the freedom to leave other Citizens to enjoy not being bored to death. Door to door visits promising saving from hell will be treated as harassment.

The National Religion of Altopia will be Alliology, however this one true faith is optional.

Christmas and Easter will return to their pagan roots.

Criminal Justice -

Prisons will be powered by bikes connected to dynamos that the prisoners will need to use themselves. A credits scheme where they can save up power following good behaviour to spend on TV and radio use.

The House of Lords will be cancelled. The Monarchy will be welcome to continue to stay but will be required to be a self-sufficient business.

The political system will include more referendums where decisions will be decided by the Citizens.

All MPs will no longer be allowed expenses, their salary will be capped at £35,000 per annum. Expenses argument, my job doesn't pay for my lunches, I had a brother who took lunch money for months, we found out he wasn't even attending college and well, that's what the expenses scandal reminded me of. A fucking waster taking money not due to them, likely in order to get pissed.

Banks will non-profit organisations, like the bank of Dave, where the shareholders will be the customers and by the branch. Like a building society. 

Currency - will stay as the £ Pound Sterling. It will show images of the leader but in various amusing positions.

Oh and Finally, Drugs will be decriminalised and sold over the counter in off licenses to allow for taxing and quality control. If a citizen, as it is currently with alcohol, is unable to control recreational use of these substances, will be treated as adults who are expected to responsibility for their own lives. Any crimes committed by individuals using drugs will expect the same treatment as a non-drug user. Any burden on the state will be weighed up against the tax paid buying the products.  

It’s not called wrong wing views for no reason.

Brick marks, the new essential forehead accessory

Hi there, 

I feel I become more and more wise as the years pass by, especially when it comes to being in a happy nourishing, healthy relationship. (imposing myself on someone's time) 


As a treat I thought I'd impart my wisdom on to the world.


Here are my essential tips to keeping the spark in the relationship.





1. Jealousy makes the heart grow fonder

• Make cute remarks suggesting they find another person attractive. This will remind your partner that you would find it crushing if they left you and therefore you like them loads.
• Suggest that other people may be after your partner This will flatter them reminding them that you still find them as attractive as much as the day you met them.
• Ask to look through their mobile. this will make them feel like they are viewed by you to be an in demand person and that you think their sexual prowess will naturally attract potential new lovers. 
•  Flirt openly, this lets you partner remember you are still desirable and will possibly find other people desirable. 
• Pay compliments to members of the opposite sex in ear shot of your partner, this will make them think the compliment will never apply to them, in which case you can swoop in and reassure them. Day saved.

2. Effective pillow talk

For example despite the outcome of a sexual encounter, after the lights are out and your partner is falling asleep, begin a conversation dissecting the recent encounter and by extension the relationship.
With this one it's more effective to say good night, leave a few minutes,allow them to start falling asleep and from nowhere ask a question out of the blue, then when they answer your question move to a different subject giving them the impression you failed to take what they said into account. This will make you seem more like an enigma and make the relationship feel really dramatic, we all love a drama.

3. go into a bad mood

This can be a very nice thing for your partner to contend with making them feel like they have done something wrong without telling them, the phrase "I don't know, you tell me" is a good one. and then you can take it all back and make them feel like they are happier now you sorted it all out.

4. Make hints about progressing the relationship.

You can do this at anytime, for example during dating website adverts, when you pass young families in the park, Good sayings including


• I think we'd make excellent parents.
• Do you think your parents will like me?
• What sort of house would you like to move to?





5. Cry for no reason (if you're a female) or get angry for no reason (if you're a man)

this will confuse your partner and make you seem deep and mysterious to them.


6. It's all about you

Try to turn the conversation towards yourself,
good example of this, is if a dear friend of theirs is ill say how you were ill recently.


7. Everyone loves a victim.

If they haven't gotten back to you as soon as you wanted, randomly get word to them about something in your life that is going wrong, create a tragedy. This can get their attention and sympathy and we all know how sympathy equates to love and that means approval


8. Put yourself down.

Although counter intuitive, this is such a good way to trick them into paying you a compliment, they'll know you don't mean it and it will give them an opportunity to say something nice to you.


Right I think that is all you need for a lasting relationship and if you're not happy with them, you can always change them.

Good Luck!

Next week, hysterical pregnancies, implying you may have a slight eating disorder and and how to get people to listen to you talk about yourself.